Points Of Light, October 20, 2019 I was on Facebook and, well, love wouldn't let me sleep until I said something about the Evanescence song, "My Immortal". I'd remembered there was a time when I'd listened to that song over and over and over again, in an endless loop. I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame. Every time I'd hear it, Amy Lee said everything that needed to be said. Pain resonated so profoundly through her words, it fiercely screamed in her beautiful voice and artistic style.
She sang about the only truth that held any relevance in my life at that time. As she sang, I knew every ounce of that pain from the moment I woke up until the moment I closed my eyes to fall asleep. In her words, I found solace, a way to experience what was happening inside me as being real and holding meaning. In her words, I found a way to continue my pain, to let it move when I moved, to let it smile when I smiled, to let it pat someone on the back when I patted someone on the back. Time and again I contemplated suicide listening to this song. I felt like suicide would be the only way I'd not hear her song, not feel my all-encompassing pain. That pain was real, that pain was mine, the song was just a mirror, suicide takes away the mirror's reflection. Pain can ravish beauty from a soul, I felt I had no more beauty, in fact, I felt my pain had not only replaced my intrinsic beauty but that my pain had replenished itself so often that beauty could never return to me. "Why then, " I'd ask myself, "Why then should I even go on living?" Good question right? I actually found I believed this lie from the pit of hell to resunate as a truth - There's not a lot of beauty in the world, there is a lot of dark ugliness in the world, why keep it more dark, more ugly?
As I watched the video I saw Amy had suicided. When the video starts and near its ending, it's so sad seeing none of the kids playing
near the fountain in the courtyard noticing Amy. It's so sad noticing her alone on top of a car near a building, alone on top of scaffolding near a building, walking alone
around the fountain near a building, and lying alone on the roof of a building. It's so sad that the resonating light of her significant other is a literal light that she puts up her fingers to none seriously guard against. But here's the worst part, it's seeing her significant other being left alone to try to understand what happened and why, and then try to pick up the pieces of his living life so he can continue living it. Yes, Amy sang it beautifully, "These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase." It's funny how on those rare occasions when I almost felt no pain, I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong and in no way did I deserve to feel that way. But the real truth is I did deserve to feel good. I found there's a way out, a way to find beauty again, to find beauty that's real, authentic, and absolutely intrinsic. I found out I was a Point Of Light.
If you are where I was, I want you to know, no I absolutely need you to know I love you! Know your family loves you, know your friends love you! Yes, pain is real, I mean life stinks sometimes and pain always hurts painfully. But those wounds, I know those wounds are real no matter what some people may say, those wounds can heal. I'll not lie to you, they'll not heal easily, they'll not heal fast, the pain from those wounds will not leave right away, but as the healing progresses, no matter how slowly, the pain will gradually fade. I want you to know you're loved. I also need you to know if you have a suicide plan you need to call 911, please. If you're thinking of suicide you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Veterans can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and then “Press 1”. You can always call me at 812-250-9245, if I don't answer right away, leave me a message in my box or text - "Time to Talk." And yes, God makes a way when there seems to be no way, do a Google, Bing, Yahoo or DuckDuckGo search for Romans Chapter 8, or just click here . I mean, read any verse in that chapter, or read them all.
As a Point Of Light, I listen to this Amy Lee song now and realize she sings with one hell of a beautiful voice and boy how she brings her words to life. I feel beauty in the lightness of happiness in this better truth.
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