Points Of Light, I recently took a walk in the dark. For some brief moments, I think I was wanting something familiar in my life. But as I was forcing myself to put one foot in of the other as I walked through that darkness, I held my head up looking for and wanting light to pierce through the darkness that was, after all, self-imposed.
That's when I reached out. I reached out to talk to my daughter and my brother. I reached out in the midst of emotional pain where I thought I was finding some ugly self stuff. I decided I needed to step up my fierce honesty from being words I'd write in a Facebook post, to being words I'd speak to my family. It seems that family (or friends), will listen to real, transparent, and authentic honesty. My family listened to me. Then instead of shunning or deriding me for what I felt was some ugly stuff, they offered me some loving beautiful words of encouragement - along with some insight and suggestions to contemplate.
Points of light, it's taken me a couple of days to digest all of it. I've walked in and out of that darkness a couple of times since then, but now I'm mostly looking up at that big bright beautiful yellow ball of the sun and soaking in its gorgeous warm glowing rays of sunshine as I enjoy the white clouds floating in the crystal clear azure sea of a sky. Yeah, that's a little much even for me, lol, but I want to get the point across as powerfully as I can. I tell you in this blog that I've not got this thing called life figured out. I tell you that life isn't simple nor can it be simply understood. I tell you fierce honesty is what has helped me, while I tell you how can I expect you to be fierce honest without me doing the same and sharing how I do it with you. And I tell you that writing is fundamental to finding color in light and how beauty can then be found in words written with that color you found in the light. That beauty can then bring you happiness, help you to smile, and just maybe make you want to giggle.
Points Of Light, after pondering on everything these last couple of days, the following is what the clarity of light has shown me -
It's very difficult for me to let go of a person I've felt a kinship to. That would even be the case in a short-lived professional relationship.
I suppose I can be a bulldog and a mule once I get to know someone. But at the same time, with that same person, I can still be shy, timid, and coy.
I've recently learned that a professional relationship demands I work on knowing and understanding then demonstrating I can separate personable and personal. This is hard for me when I always feel they're both one and the same. This becomes exponentially hard for me as I've only recently learned I'm a man who works on deep and profound emotions and feelings. My feelings and emotions always make me want to be personable with others, while I'm always in search of connecting with others in ways that are personal. When that's combined with my stubborn mule headedness and bulldogged persistence while at the same time hitting my intrinsic road bumps of timidity, well, even I can figure out I'm a mess.
But being a boss in a professional relationship demands I make a clear delineation of demands for the tasks I require to be done with their deadline for completion also being clearly stated. I'm not sure how I take my feelings and emotions out of this, how to change a way of life I've always lived. However, the words and thought process contained in that last sentence belonged to the Tod that was on a previous journey that's already concluded. Learning to be personable without being personal is Tod, is me, on my new journey.
And the journey continues with more adventures to come. As always, Peace and Love
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