Written during a time of reflection. I wrote it knowing writing can never change the past. It can, however, this exercise can make me aware that presence and the act of being present is always a good thing and I should always practice it, even if only exercised while I write. I found so much light in this exercise and saw color in a past life I felt surrounded in darkness. In retrospect, the beauty during this past life of mine held poignant moments of awesomeness that, even now, needs to be spectacled!
I Don't Remember Your Name - But I've Never Forgotten You
In those two or three classes in high school, there you were being a friend. You talked to me, you often smiled and the laughter you allowed to fall between us was both soft and generous. Had I looked, would I've noticed you were beautiful? I remember you asked because you often asked, "Will you go to the Military Ball"? But I didn't dance, let alone feel comfortable around more than two or three people. While I didn't laugh at you when I answered, I did laugh every time I answered every time you asked, saying the same thing each time, "No"!
There were other friends talking about the ball that year. One by one they seemed to want to go. I began to have second thoughts like, maybe I should go. I mean, military, I was on the Drill Team, the Rifle Team, I respected my JROTC military uniform and the Ball was militarily related after all. I don't remember when it happened, but my mind had changed when next you asked. "I might go" I coyly answered a time or two, then finally giving a definitive "Yes" answer. After that, your question changed, but still, "Are you going to ask and take anyone"? Of course, I wasn't, I was taking myself and no one else, that was always my answer, usually said in a nonchalant way, with the occasional "No" said with light nervous laughter.
On the day of the Military Ball, I showed up as said, by myself. I found some of my friends and sat at that table. To my surprise, I was having fun and a very decent time. I hadn't been there long when I looked up and saw you walking toward the table directly in front of mine. There you found an empty chair to sit facing me. I can't help but remember thinking how cool it was that you'd seemed so interested in the Military Ball, even though you weren't in the JROTC, and I was happy for you that you found a dress and made your way there. I eventually made my way over to say "Hi" and wish you a good time. Another question from you was asked of me "Are you going to dance", even as I walked away saying "No".
The band was awesome playing beautiful slow dancing Motown music, the type of songs and music that have always allowed me a way to feel vicariously through them. I really never intended to dance though, I really didn't. It must have been the song the band was playing and the voice of their vocalist that made something seem real to me when a strange girl I didn't even know walked up to me and asked me to dance with her. I did. Then I did again, then again two or three more times.
To this day I don't know if your dress was beautiful that night or if you looked beautiful wearing it. Today they try and tell us there is no difference between men and women. But this song still speaks to me today and I think it says something different to me as a man than it says to you as a woman; just as it spoke differently to me as a boy, and let's say you as a girl, back in 1976. As I listen to it, I try to convince myself that you were bold, you came to the Ball. But then there's that difference. Rather people looked at you during those years in high school and called you beautiful, I'll never know. I do know you were being a friend to me, you smiled and allowed laughter to fall between us that was both soft and generous, I now know and see with all my heart you were very beautiful!
As back then, I'm still not bright enough to understand and grasp much about life of course, but science as well. Still, I hear in physics and specifically in the quantum field studies of that discipline there's something known as the "many worlds" interpretation. When I listen to this song with my male ears, I take solace in knowing there are at least one of those worlds where I asked you if you'd have liked to go to that Military Ball with me, you know, if you'd have allowed me to escort you to the ball. In that world, you said yes, I picked you up and we went together to the ball where we danced all night. I don't dare imagine much more but I know in that world a kiss happened. Yeah, this guy felt awesome for someone so beautiful as you kissing him. Songs huh?
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